My Body

This is my body. At it's best, my body was capable of carrying out, fantastical feats of agility. In skateboarding, jumping down flights of 10-15 stair cases was easy! I could do a vast variety of slides and grinds with skill. It allowed me the agility to set many records throughout high school in track and field, running 100 meters in some 15 seconds, shot putting over 20 meters, long jumping over 15 feet, high jumping over 6. Later, my body got to bench press 200 lbs, curl 50 lbs, leg press 400

lbs, and eventually land me among the top 10 Calvin Klein models as part of a Mexican National Competition (photos available upon special request... you'll just have to ask my girlfriend... hahaha!!). I was able to bike on average some 25 miles a day to go between 3 jobs. All in all, beast mode was the name of my game.

Today, my body and I have grown apart. My Muscle has turned to fat, and where you felt rock hard pecs or abs are now jiggly man boobs (in my defense, the man boobs were a side effect of testicular cancer) and well I still have a six pack... of beers in my gut. Though I am capable of doing a lot of what I used to, it is with less finesse, needless to say I am quite rusty. Today, my body has cancer.

I have always loved my body, though I may not have always loved myself. During my younger years, I experienced suicidal tendencies, perhaps they were the normal amount for a pubescent high schooler experiencing heartbreaks on multiple levels, perhaps they weren't, but there was a time I contemplated not existing. Until our school experienced three very difficult losses to suicide, one of which was a friend of mine. The tragedies got me very involved in suicide prevention and though my own struggles with life remained, they certainly didn't push me any closer to wanting to commit the haenuos act any longer.

If I have had the pleasure of meeting you, you may find the previous confession somewhat surprising, as I am as far from a suicidal man as anyone could possibly imagine. But it is important to note that I strongly believe I had to live what I lived to be the man I am today. If there is something I have learned from getting cancer is that we don't choose what happens to us, but we must love it and appreciate it for what it is with all that we are. Life is not only about smiles and fuzzy warm feelings, real life hurts as much as it feels good. I like to imagine life as a straight line, and our experience waves over and under and over and under the straight line. Life isn't biased, life just is, life doesn't happen to you, it happens FOR you. So I choose to look at my cancer with excitement. Sure it is shattering on so many levels, but it is MY pain, in the same way that having been chosen among the top ten CK models out of thousands of applicants was MY success. The things I experience are all gifts from life that I take with all my heart.

I choose how to experience life, because life won't bother experiencing itself for me.

The picture above is of me sitting in my Ayurvedic sauna. It is an alternative cancer treatment that is supposed to enhance my immune system and decrease the side effect of chemo. It SUCKS!! Sure the sauna sounds nice... for about 15 minutes. I had to be in that bad boy for 2 and a half hours while they dripped some natural antidotes via an IV line. Eeeesh! I coulda just forgone all of this all together but NOOOOO, Just had to go on with this silliness.